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The usual grievance among married couples is a decline in sexual want. Although the men seem to be the one complaining most, women are not left out but they are unable to voice their feelings because of cultural biases. For long-term relationships like marriage, it can have a dampening effect on either partner for reasons not related to aging. The resentment, criticism and impatience that couples display about issues in their private life, is a way of masking the rejection and shame that are often associated with the mindset that they are no longer sexually desired.
Naturally, the male folks are more sexually aroused than their female counterparts both in regularity and intensity. Women’s desire on the other hand is dependent on the functions of the hormones, monthly cycles and life roles as a home maker. Unlike most guys out there, a woman may not initiate sex even when she is in the mood; because for a number of them, sexual desire does not men sex. These women want to feel the romance just like guys who want women to think of them as hot and sexy. Your regular man loves to be admired in the bedroom as sexual performance is a big deal for him. It will do him good if he can learn to communicate his feelings to his woman.
Not spending quality time and non romantic roles can dampen intimacy. It is important to note that sex is a knot that binds. A lot of couples have issues behind closed doors; approximately one out of every three couples has an emotional gap. In all these marriages, one partner wants sex much more often than the other. But couples can ignite their sexuality by having sexy talks, be proactive in it, if you want things to improve. Having a good insight will also help partners whose desire for sex has seemingly vanished.
Satisfied and fulfilled sexual relationship should be a major priority in your life. Take your sex life off the back burner and pay attention to it. Stop thinking you can have a great relationship by making do with passionless love-making void of true intimacy. If an older, chronically ill couple can enjoy a robust sex life, then you don’t have an excuse.
Also, except you are really enjoying your intimacy, you will be cheating yourself. Take a moment to reflect on the time when sex was most fulfilling, when you were sexually confident and ask yourself what happened to your passion and would you ever be able to feel that way again?
Perhaps it’s the see-saw mindset at work that is, the more one person does something, the less the other person does. This might be true for sexual issues as well, especially if your spouse has been the one to stir sex in your marriage and you feeling pressured, decided to back out. In fact, it’s entirely possible your dampened desire may fool you into believing you don’t like sex anymore. This is not true as you can be more proactive for making things better between you and your guy. Feeling sexy should be your pet project so you don’t lose out on life’s greatest joys. Forget about doing this for the sake of your partner or the marriage, do it for yourself.
Seek professional help to rid yourself of physiological causes for your lack of desire. Find whether side effects from medications or medical conditions, are responsible in your situation and if herbal remedies or dietary changes may be helpful. Book a session for yourself and your spouse with a certified Sex Therapist who is trained and experienced in matters of sexuality. If the man is the one whose love-making desire has plummeted due to sexual problems like impotence, the sex therapist can teach you many techniques of defeating these difficulties. Note that it takes a lot for a man to admit he is worried about low libido and even harder to ask for help. Put your manly pride aside and get your sex life and marriage back on track. Your woman may understand at the moment, but, if you put things off much longer, she might not be there for you.
Take your partner’s feelings into consideration even if you have a good reason for not being in the mood for love-making. Note that your spouse might feel hurt and rejected because of it, though not intentional. A healing process must take place between the two of you that will demand your active participation in stuff that will help your partner feel better.
Written by Adesuwa Ewoigbokhan
My name is David Francis and the nature of my engagements include:
Philosophy (University of Jos, Nigeria); Research Consultant (St. Albert’s Institute, Fayit-Fadan, Kaduna, Nigeria); Editor (Sapientia African Leadership Formation Programme, e. V Address: Badenstedter Street, 99 30453, Hannover, Germany); Editor (African Home Reintegration, Spinnereistrasse 1A 30449, Hannover, Germany); Literature (S. E. M. S. Nassarawa State, Nigeria); Former Associate Editor, “Periscope Magazine,” Abuja and Columnist, “Seekers Delight Magazine,” Kaduna.
I simply try to question the ‘happy darkness’ by encouraging more hands to minimize ignorance. Just a dose of knowledge, is enough in training the mind, to conform to nothing except truth. Let’s ride this train together!
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